Like Bey, Kelly, and Michelle, We’re Black-Ass Survivors
We want to celebrate survival, specifically how our generation survived the 2000s trends that tried to take us out.
Welcome to This Black-Ass Life! This week, we want to celebrate survival, specifically how our generation survived the 2000s trends that tried to take us out.
I'm a survivor (what), I'm not gon' give up (what) I'm not gon' stop (what), I'm gon' work harder (what) I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it (what) I will survive (what), keep on survivin' (what) - Destiny’s Child, 2001
l. The Facts
Yes, beauty and fashion are ever-evolving, but let’s be honest, we were down bad in the aughts.
Beauty
You may be owed compensation for the time you spent for naught, attempting to find a foundation color match, concealer anywhere darker than a sheet of paper, and blue eyeshadow that shows up on your lids.
Curly sistrens, you may also be owed compensation for the curly in the back, bone straight bangs shenanigans of the early aughts. That wasn’t even the worst of it when it comes to hair. Because why were we making souffles and dips on our heads? The amount of various “conditioning” concoctions of honey, avocado, coconut oil, egg, and mayonnaise that I (Jumoke) mixed together in my college dorm to pour on my head???
How are your eyebrows today? Did they survive a decade of overplucking?
Fashion
The pants of it all. Why didn’t we like to cover our ankles? Why did they have to flare at the calf? Capris, Gauchos, Culottes, what floods were we preparing for?
Fat girls, where is the class action lawsuit for people who survived peplum cut clothes (which are back)???? I (Mitu) feel like peplums are out here yelling at us. It’s not just peplums; this RICO indictment must include all plus-size clothing for teenagers and children. Why were 9-year-olds looking like they were 20 years into their careers as CPAs or getting ready to sing on BET’s Sunday Best?
How about the risk of heat stroke? Why were we out in the world, heat or cold, in a minimum of 3 layers of tank tops or collared shirts?
The year is 2003, you’re reaching for something you dropped, and you’re having to pull down and even hold one of your many undershirts so you don’t flash your classroom. Why are you in this pain, child? Is it because of some sick commitment to LOW RISE JEANS? Yes.
Remind us again, what was so important about the fronts of our calves that we needed to wear those skirts that were so high up in the front and skirting the floor in the back?
Hating Fat People and F*ckSh*t
We’ve written extensively on anti-fatness, but it’s always worth repeating, the 2000s were on one. Remember the many size 2 “curvy” celebrities? For example, this time capsule of a 2004 interview profiling Bey and family mentioned her hips maybe every other paragraph, and even described the body type of her then seventeen-year-old sister?? 🤢 🤮I mean, do you remember when Toccara was considered the biggest you could be and still beautiful? THIS LADY:
Why does it matter?
We have really great news. Now that we’ve launched these fashions out of our lives, we’re so much better.
The peplums thought we’d be weak without them, but we’re stronger.
The paper-thin eyebrows thought we’d be broke without them, but we’re richer (in eyebrow hairs).
The layered tank tops thought we’d be sad without them, but we love harder.
That damn 8x11 concealer thought that we wouldn’t grow without them, but we’re wiser (and shade-matching!).
We are SURVIVING
What can my Black ass do?
Even though the 2000s did us wrong, we not gon' blast the aughts on the radio; we not gon' hate on the decade in the magazines, and we are certainly not gon' compromise our Christianity. We will, however, diss it on the internet.
II. Other Things
Black-ass happenings
Colman Domingo invented suits and tailoring.
Let Keyshia Cole surprising these precious babies warm your heart.
At this point, we need to just start finding awards to hand over to Da’Vine.
Noted country artist and greatest rapper alive, Beyoncé, is breaking more records with her latest hit.
Happy birthday to this perfect baby.
JUSTICE for the stunning Xunami Muse.
It’s hehe haha time with Nicole Byers
We are a lil late, but here is an all-women cypher. Give us more, please!
Our Black-Ass song(s) of the week (Mitu):
You already know. This ain’t Texas! Ain’t no hold ‘em!
Things we look forward to:
I (Jumoke) look forward to pacing myself as I read How To Say Babylon. I keep putting the book down to think through what I’m reading. I’m shocked by the history, the incredible prose, the poetry, such goodness.
I (Mitu) look forward to Spring weather.
lll. Secrets from a Black-Ass Baby
This baby had important things to say and needed to have a giggle!
Stay Black, have a snack, and take a nap today. We'll hit your inbox next on March 12!