Popeyes Parking Lots of Love
Welcome to This Black-Ass Life! This week, we want to talk about a certain Popeyes parking lot date that ended up with 1 (one) person eating KFC and another planning a lifetime together.
I. The Facts
The internet PR machine has gone into overdrive, motivating Black women attracted to cishet Black men to grab their shovels and drive the bar even further into the inner layers of the Earth’s crust.
It all started with a date where a man asked a woman ten years her senior to a nearby Popeyes parking lot because he canceled on her TWICE, then only HE ate KFC (????). Finally, she planned their lives together, aided by his coworkers (???) who encouraged him to propose and bought their engagement ring. Well! At least he does his part:
It’s marriage by any means necessary. In popular media, Black women are told that abandoning their boundaries and their jobs, and ensuring that romantic love supersedes all else is the move:
The Instagram model ‘submits’ to her boyfriend, a father of 7, by performing sexual acts that she admittedly hates.
Sidebar: Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who hates what you’re doing?! Enthusiastic consent this is not.
Pastor TD Jakes tells women that if they want a man, they must stop behaving like men (behaving like men = being an adult who works) ... “you’re climbing the corporate ladder, but we’re losing our families.”
This video goes viral where the interviewer is mad that fine-ass Tracee Ellis Ross wants a romantic relationship that adds to her life, like her friendships.
The OWN network is dedicated to marriage by any means movement.
On Ready To Love, a reality show we unfortunately love, you find 30,40,50somethings vying for love. Each season, the consensus among several contestants (men and women) is that Black women ought to understand the supremacy of Black men (aka kings).
Black Love, a documentary-style series highlighting Black marriages, is ground zero for the garbagiest of ‘love’ stories. A frightening percentage of the stories follow this framework:
“We’ve had struggles in our marriage” = he cheated.
“We’ve faced many trials and tribulations” = he cheated and fathered a child.
“The devil was doing work in our marriage” = he cheated and fathered several children, and his mistress(es) held us up at gunpoint. YES. Y’all!
Also, is anyone else exhausted by these struggle love posts that go viral where a man is basically like, “she got me my first house, she taught me to wipe my booty after I poop, she reminds me to take my vitamins. She is the ONE. 😍”?
If this is love, I (Jumoke) have never been in it, and on sky daddy God, may I never be.
Why does it matter?
First, we genuinely hope sis, who started her love story in the Popeyes parking lot, gets all the love and joy. She deserves!
That said, what the hell was this story doing in the Vows section of the NYTimes? A place typically reserved for the heartwarmiest most bougie of love stories. Given that other Black couples have shared that their submitted stories were rejected (check this one out and be prepared to sob!), one wonders why this story.
This question aside, the message from the Popeyes parking lot is crystal clear: put up with a stunningly infinitesimal amount of care and effort from your partner - the Popeyes husband even bragged about it!, and you might get and keep a ring.
And we can ridicule this all we want but isn’t this the story of the American woman in the home?
American women shoulder a disproportionate amount of the mental load, the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family. They are overwhelmingly the sole provider of emotional labor, unpaid work done to keep those around comfortable and happy. They also do the vast majority of housework, active parenting and, increasingly, are bringing home more of the bacon.
And yet, we don’t examine the inherent male privilege in heterosexual relationships or challenge heterosexual men to not place an unfair burden on the women in their lives by their actions or inaction through weaponized incompetence.
Our society seems okay with piling on women and asking them to accept as little as possible; this is to the detriment of everyone:
Single women are increasingly opting out of dating, leaving behind a growing population of lonely, angry homicidal misogynists with plenty of access to guns (fun!).
Millennial and Gen X mothers have been all but abandoned by society and, notably, their partners, leading to a traumatized generation of exhausted mothers burnt to a crisp.
Women over 50 are peacing out of their marriages at record numbers. Tellingly, American women initiate divorce 70%(!) of the time.
More and more Americans, men and women, single or in marriages, are devastatingly lonely.
What can my Black ass do?
Read bell hooks. Salvation: Black People and Love on how Black people can combat lovelessness. The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love is a fundamental read for people who love Black men.
Getting married? Get a prenup. Married? Postnup. Galimony sounds unpleasant.
Single, dating, or married, set and firm up your boundaries, and don’t put up with the behavior you’re not comfortable with. Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself provides an instructive guide.
Celebrate Black love on screen by revisiting these newsletters: Black-Ass Love is the Best Love (Wedding Edition) and Please Baby Please: A Celebration of Black-Ass Love.
Read the Black rom-com Honey & Spice. A lush book that envelopes you in love.
II. Other Things
Black-ass happenings
PSA: Get vaccinated like us: Anyone in D.C. can get immunized against monkeypox. You don’t have to tell the government your business to do it. We walked in on a Friday afternoon and were out the door within 30 minutes. As dedicated inoculation enthusiasts, we were very excited. Influenza? We don’t know her! The poxes? Never heard of them! Polio? Nolio! JAB US!
A-List celebrity and incoming Mensa member JaBria is a featured guest on Blue’s Clues!
Idris Elba didn’t feel the right vibes on set with his daughter.
Solange Knowles’s creative range knows no bounds!
Are y’all watching Rap Sh!t? If not, you must!
Love to Tevin Campbell.
Our Black-Ass song(s) of the week (Mitu):
I am breaking format this week because the only thing that has gotten me to stop looping Renaissance is the return of The Read in which they … review Renaissance.
Things we look forward to / don't look forward to:
I (Jumoke) look forward to the best time of the year: right now! It’s time to eat peaches over the sink, drown in heirloom tomatoes, make basil pistou and eat all the goodness that late summer produces.
I (Mitu) look forward to cooler weather; the sun is kicking my butt!
lll. Text From A Black-Ass Parent
There has never been an interaction with a Black mom without several concurrent questions. My (Jumoke) mother is the queen of multiple conversations in one text.
Stay Black, have a snack and take a nap today. We'll hit your inbox next on September 5.